Edward

Edward sent:

Susan,

This is the third email I have sent you and my final attempt at contact. I have spent the past three days inconsolable by your lack of response. If I could produce the tears that my heart aches to produce then I would weep for you.

Susan, I would don two owl costumes if you desired so. To do this, I would first put on a very tight one that was perhaps bought from the kids section at k-mart. It would say ‘ages 6-8’ but for you Susan, for you I would squeeze it over my pale and slender thighs until I was waist deep in cotton-poly blend. Then I would put on a larger and more appropriate costume that calmed your every fear with its natural aura of invincibility. I would put it on even if it smelled a little like poo.

I would look like this:

And, as before, I ask for no payment for watching you is payment enough.

Edward Cullen.

Reply:

Edward,

Aren’t you still moping over k-stew?

Susan.

Edward sent:

We’re back together now because we were secretly married months ago – don’t you read Grazia?

Reply:

Edward,

I can’t say I do. Listen, come over tonight and i’ll give you a trial shift. I wouldn’t dare insult you by giving out my address for I’m sure you have it carved on your Adonis-like chest between each god-kissed peck.

I’ll see you at 11.

Susan.

Henry

Henry sent:

Susan,

Will you marry me?

yours fondly, Henry


Reply:

Henry,

I have devised a very complicated mathematical equation that determines all potential romance.

I’ll outline it for you and suggest bringing out a pen and paper to make notes for each step.

i) First write down your post-tax salary p/a
ii) Now subtract 200, 000.

iii) Tell me what remains

Susan.

Henry Sent,

Hi Susan,

The current figure I’m working with is minus 200, 000 as I am purposely unemployed. But I do have a very generous centrelink payment due to the government believing that I am partnered to my housemate and fathering her two children.

So do I still have a chance if I can reliably produce money without even working? It means my nights could be free to watch you.

Reply:

Henry,

People like you have caused permanent frown lines to appear on my once immaculate forehead.

I’m going to have to decline but thank you for the offer, you lazy bastard.

Susan.

Chris

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Chris sent,

Hi Susan

I'm interested in taking up this offer, I've been waiting a long time for something like this to come up, I also have an owl costume already.

Would love to hear back from you.

Regards
Chris

Reply:

Hi Chris,

Can I ask what colour your costume is and whether or not you'd be able to fit into one that was made for a female of 175 cm, 55 kilos?

Susan.

 Chris sent:

Hi Susan, 

The costume is white & black, I've worn it to a couple of parties I went to alone, I love dressing up as an owl! 

Here is a pic of me in the costume 

I won't be able to fit into the costume made for a female of 55kg, I'm actually 190cm and 98kg.

Do you have a picture of yourself? I will also send mine in return.

Reply:

Hi Chris,

I’m so glad that you too have an affinity with fat birds. I don’t know if you realize this but you have also stumbled upon a very shared trait between us; for I too have attended two parties, alone. The first party was the marriage of my mother to my father when I was twenty-five. I attended the ceremony unaccompanied due to the rest of my family believing that I eloped to the outer regions of Quebec in 2002. I had to sit at the back in a costume very much like the one you have sent me. Nobody spoke to me all night. It was very successful.

The second party I attended was two weeks ago when Jodie from my office asked me to accompany her to the photocopying room. It just so happens that we walked through a birthday party for somebody who works on the 7^th floor. I can classify this as solo attendance because as soon as I began introducing myself as Susan from level 9, Jodie had disappeared. I think she must have been very anxious to get that photocopying done. I saw her later and she didn’t seem to want to talk about it. I think she was upset that she didn’t stay. I did bring her a piece of cake though.

Anyway, Chris, you’ve been very kind to listen thus far so of course I will send you a photo in return. I hope you enjoy it.

Susan.


Chris sent,

Hi Susan,

Thank you for the picture, but I am disappointed that you are trying to trick me by sending me a fake.

I've spent the last 8 hours analyzing it with my father who is a black belt in Photoshop, we have come to the conclusion you have cut the head off my previous picture and pasted it on another you found on the internet, it was a good effort and very hard to pick but you can't fool me Susan, you are one cheeky kunt mate.

Now I'll give you one last chance to make this friendship happen, I don't want to be disappointed as I have been so many times previous to this, judging by your response you were genuine but perhaps a bit shy to send your photo, I understand as I'm pretty socially awkward and barely go outside. I also have a sister with an eating disorder I have to constantly feed, that's another story I can save for another time, but please Susan you are my only hope on my road to happiness. My owl costume is clean and ready to watch over you. 

Regards

Chris

Anon 3:

Anon 3 sent:

Hi there,

I have been a night watcher for many years and has had a vast experience in this field. I have have worked for many people over Australia and can be at your bedside within 8 hours. I do understand your situation and would love to ensure you get a good night sleep.
In terms of the costume, I would prefer to stick feathers to my forehead as owl costumes makes my sensitive skin very itchy. Though by saying this I will not leave your side during my shift. I will come prepared with an in-built catheter so my toilet breaks will not interrupt your sleep. There is only one thing I ask is that I only eat uncle toby roll-ups bars as muesli bars interferes with my bowl. I have attached my résumé and photo with feathers on my head for your perusal. Thank you for your consideration.

Reply:

Hello,

Many thanks for your very generous response. I am sorry to hear that you have sensitive skin. I also have sensitive skin which is why I couldn't just wear the costume myself. I did try to stick a few feathers around my bed to soothe me but I found them creating small embedded rash lumps when I woke up. It was very distressing - can you sympathise?

I also don't think you need to go as far as a catheter. I think that is rather extreme. If you would like, I will let you hold my cat, Cathy as a token of my appreciation.  Cathy is a very good cat but her behind is extremely smelly. I have tried to wash her but I only get halfway through before I start choking.

Are you available for an interview over the next week period?

One more thing, I cannot offer you a roll-up as I am highly food-conscious - would half a banana be an okay substitute. I have one in my fridge but he might be a bit brown by the time you eat him - is that okay?

Susan.

Anon 1:

Anon 1:

Susan,
I don't have a background in theatre, however I have been an extra on Bold and the Beautiful, Home and Away, and Days of Our Lives. Once, I had to wear a pig costume to a fancy dress party because my partner had a thing for pigs. I'm not fat; I could fit into your owl costume. I am 170cm and 55kg.
Please let me know what I can do to secure this job. I need the money at the moment. Plus I don't like living at home, so night work is best.
Also, would I get to meet the rest of your staff? I like work to be social :)

--

Reply:

Hi there,

Susan here, (or Susie, Susanna, Sue but never Suze).

Please describe for me your pig costume. Do you still have it?

Anon 1:

Hi Boozie Soozie (I assume that's OK? - if it is, perhaps you should eliminate alcohol as this can effect the quality of your sleep)
My pig costume was an original Piglet costume from Broadway's 2000 Winnie the Pooh. I found it on eBay and resold it there for twice the price.
When are you holding interviews?

Reply:

Hello again,

I really don't think that alcohol is my problem. I don't often drink and when I do it's hardly in excess. I did for a while drink a lot of dishwashing liquid because I read that it could clear out excess waste that had stuck to your insides and thus have you shed a few kilos; as it happens all it does is make your pee turn a funny colour. I hope you're not alarmed by that. If it soothes you I use the environmentally friendly liquid with the big 'save the earth' sticker on the front - are you familiar?
I could leave a bottle out for you during the night if you became thirsty. Would you like that?

Interviews will be over the next few days. I've had quite a few respondents.

Anon 1:

Hi Colonoozie Soozie,

I am a little alarmed, yes. Why do I get the feeling that you haven't told a doctor about your previous dangerous weightloss methods?

Anyway, it's none of my business. But while there's a beverage offer on the table in addition to the muesli bar, I'd like to request soy milk. I'd like that :) I only drink one particular kind, but we can discuss that in the interview.

Reply:

Hello again,

I do not need to tell a doctor about such practice as I do not trust people easily. I really do appreciate your concern, though.

I will consider your soy milk but I can only offer coles lite soy. It's $1 a litre and I find it difficult to go past a bargain. If you are however, of the vegan persuasion, i'm going to have to decline your application as i'm rather homophobic.


Susan.

Ps. My name is Susan.

Ben

Ben sent:

Susan. I'd love to!
Would i have to make my own owl costume or is there one supplied? I've been looking online and the extra pay for the costume might outweigh the costs, making the owl costume a break even point.
Is it possible to also study while you're asleep or do i have to constantly look at you?
I can bring my own chair too i can put it on it's highest setting so it'd appear i'm more perched up

Reply:

Dear friend,

I absolutely understand your concerns and so I can reassure you that the owl costume is definitely provided. It's lavender blue with velcro straps on the wings to ensure stability. I think I could allow for you to study so long as you were absolutely silent and that what you were studying was not anything do with black nationalism, mathematical theory or anything in spanish.
How high can your chair go?

Ben sent:

Oh great, i was worried it was gonna be a bland brown one but the colourful ones are greast.
I do however have this hatred against velcro, the sound it makes when you need to rip it off but i'll be sure to bring my earphones so i don't hear it when i take it off.
Luckily i'm not studying any of those but i do however need a computer to study with.
I bring this up because the light from the screen will shine directly into my face in which i envision rendering a scary image.

I measured my chair and it's unfortunately already at it's highest setting (Let down)
I was hoping it to be alot higher, it's around 60cm from the ground but i know there is another one at work albeit more uncomfortable.

Looking forward to your reply Susan

Stacey

Stacey sent:

Dear Susan,

I am writing to apply for the position of night watcher advertised on gumtree.

I am an experienced nightwatcher. I have 4 years of experience in surveillance of sleeping homosapiens. I specialise in REM cycles but am strong in all elements of the sleep cycle.
My experience ranges from nannying to the supervision of adults. I also have a graduate certificate in night watching from RMIT and I was the dux of my class. I am confident that my studies will aid me greatly in providing you with an exceptional sleeping experience.
I am also willing to negotiate the donning of your proposed owl costume. I worked as the Easter Bunny at Toys R Us during my semester break during my studies, and so am completely confident and comfortable in my ability to wear an owl costume during the hours of my attendance.

Finally, in my other university breaks I undertook the role of sleep consultant at Captain Snooze, on the corner of Nicholson street and Alexandra Parade. I was quickly promoted to team leader and held the record for the most excellent sleeps achieved during my tenure.

In relation to your offer of providing muesli bars as sustenance, unfortunately I suffer from nut related anaphylaxis. I would, however, be willing to negotiate the substitution of muesli bars for fruit roll ups. Truth be told, I prefer real fruit, flat out.

I thank you for considering my application, and my references are available upon request.

I look forward to your response.
Kind regards,

Stacey
--

Reply:

Dear Stacey,

I really appreciate the time and effort you have taken to apply with me. I am very excited about your credentials but I do not allow anybody in my house to consume such products as the aforementioned roll ups.

I will provide you with real fruit if that is what you would like but I only buy healthy food so would a lettuce head be an acceptable substitution? I could even draw a small smiley face upon the head so that you feel more comfortable with his consumption. We could call him all kinds of wild names if you'd really like to have fun with it like Lettuce, Mr. Lettuce or even, Lett  Uce.

Does this sound okay?

Also, are you okay with standing for long periods of time? I had previously thought to sit my owl upon a rather tall stool I have but now i'm not too sure if that would be stable for long periods.

Kind regards, Susan.

Tara

Tara sent:

Hi,
I'm not comfortable with wearing a full owl costume but will be more comfortable sticking a few feathers to my forehead. I can wear a tshirt with a picture of an owl on it if that helps you out more.
I'm happy to do this but i request LCM museli bars, the chocolate ones, not the white ones (they're not as good)

Give us a hoot,
Tara

--

Reply:

Tara,

If the costume is not your thing then that is fine. Perhaps we could work up to the costume with a few nights of feather-sticking.

I do however refuse to purchase LCM bars as the thought of sticky substances makes my neck prickle up something horrendous.

I will meet you halfway and offer a mars bar but only if I can eat all the chocolate surrounding the bar before I give it to you. Does this sound like a suitable arrangement?

Tara sent:

Susan,

I am okay with the mars bar offer, however all the nougat and caramel must be intact. If there's even one bit that you've accidentally mistaken for chocolate and nibbled I will probably be really upset and leave forever.

But if you can ensure this I'm happy to go ahead.
Tara.

Reply:

Dear Tara,

I promise that I will not nibble any nougat nor run my tongue along the caramel in a highly suggestive sexual manner that will make you reconsider your sexuality.

I also have a mild nut allergy so in the highly unlikely event that some nougat is to be caught between my teeth as i scrape them along then you will not need to take offense as I will have paid for my mistake with death.

Do you have any other concerns or can I simply place you on the green light list?

Susan.

Ollie The Owl

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Ollie The Owl sent:

Hi Susan,

Hope you’re very well and lovely to meet you.

I’m writing to you in response to your post on Gumtree where you are advertising for a night time watcher position. Firstly, I’d like to provide you with my credentials in this area.

For years I too have been troubled by the seemingly simple act of sleep. While my friends and family would always be able to fall asleep without a moment’s notice, I would sit there for hours on end just watching them, tracking their every sleep-driven moment, following the pattern of their oft-shallow breath.

As I entered adulthood, my sleeping troubles continued, and as such so did my night time people watching. Given that I live alone, I had to become quite creative in my people watching methods. Most nights I would wander out in to the street and search for an open window here, or a hole in the roof there, all the while fulfilling my urges and utilising my skills to watch the people of Melbourne as they dream sweet dreams.

For example, last night I wandered down to Hawthorn and saw a lovely terrace-style home with its door slightly ajar, so I did what I did best and watched the peaceful family as they slept, ensuring not to breathe too heavily over them so as to not disturb their slumber.

As you can see, I’m the perfect candidate for this position. I’m not averse to dressing up, and pretending I’m an owl is something I’ve often fantasised about and an animal that I can certainly relate to, given our nocturnal traits and our intrinsic love of night time watching. In fact, I imagine I may have already watched you while you slept previously; Collingwood is one of my favourite suburbs to prowl.

If you’d be interested in considering my application I’d be happy to send through a photo of myself in the costume eating a muesli bar. I have one pre-prepared from a similar job application.

I have no allergies and I have never sneezed or been caught people watching in all my years, making me a joy to work with. I won’t even need to use the bathroom thanks to the adult diapers I very aptly invested in years ago.

I’d be honoured if you considered my application for this position. I hope to be watching you soon.

Yours in peaceful, uninterrupted sleep,

Ollie the Owl,

Reply:

Hi Ollie The Owl,

First off, what a coincidence that your name has 'owl' in it - is that french? I'm just over the moon that somebody has taken my advertisement seriously because I have been getting a lot of Debbie Downers.

Similarly, the fact that you have previous experience really boosts you ahead in terms of competition. You know, I have often felt a warm presence in my bedroom over the past few weeks. I had hoped that it was Edward Cullen from Twilight or perhaps Tony Abbot (such was the silence and lack of heartbeat). If it were in fact you then this really couldn't go any smoother.

I'm so glad you can do this for me, truly I am. There is just one thing, the owl costume is one that I have made myself and thus is perhaps, a little small (as I am quite small). I have constructed it out of two boxes of kleenex (2-ply, with the essence of aloe vera) and a large quantity of saliva. Now now, don't fret, the saliva isn't mine so you don't need to worry about catching my germs or anything like that. :o :)

I would much prefer if you wore my costume rather than your own but i'm very keen to see your snap shot; if you could send it through i'd be more than delighted to take you to the next stage.

Forever yours,

Susan.

Ollie sent:

Dear Sweet Susan,

My name is indeed French, however I am not from French descent, I changed my name by default as previously stated I do admire the nocturnal bird. My real Name is Oliver but prefer Ollie the Owl as it has that delightful ring to it.

I am more than serious about my work and as I’m sure I have this job in the bag, you can then see how qualified and professional I am. Some might advocate this is a long awaited career opportunity for myself. My mother Debbie Downer, (who I see has also applied) actually sent me this ad, clearly “of the night activities” run in the family, however she much prefers being a lady of the night if you get my drift. She is ageing now so I understand her thoughts of a career change.

And Susan, I have been that warm feeling you have been experiencing, I know I am quite good at my skill, and I would like to clarify its just a watching job no touching? My mother has always inspired me with her career choice so occasionally I like to do some brief touching or stroking.

I know you are really hoping to see me in your owl costume however I would feel more comfortable in my own, I have attached a photograph which I am sure you will be most pleased with. I am also willing to drop the pay rate to $30 if I do get to wear my own costume.

I hope I’m not being to challenging as I really do want this job,

I look forward to hearing from you

Sweet Dreams,

Ollie the Owl

Reply:

Dear Ollie,

I think you do have this job in the bag. I've never felt like somebody has understood me as you have. And to your mother Debbie, I hope that I have caused her no offense with my lack of reply I would simply prefer to focus my energies on younger birds.

I do, however, feel like I may have led you on. I do not require any services of the night and would much prefer that your albeit lovely hands stay a good 4 feet from me at all times.

I greatly enjoyed your photo, so thank you for that. I'm really hopeful to have you in for an interview as soon as possible.

Are you free at all this coming week?

I really like you, Ollie. I think that you'll find 2 muesli bars at the start of your shift.

Susan.

Ollie sent:

Hi Susan,

I am most thrilled to know I have gotten the job.

I do apologise if I upset you in anyway regarding the Hands on approach I referred to, I was just enquiring as to what the boundaries were. I'm glad to know it is 4 feet, I will ensure I stick to this safe distance.

I would prefer prior to meeting that you do some light facebook stalking please feel free to request me under Ollie Owlman.

I have also seen the media attention surrounding our email correspondence, I must say I am a little hurt you have made my emails public, I thought we had something special and am developing a little trust issue, however I do look quite handsome in my photo, lucky I preened my feathers for such an event.  

So let’s make a facebook date and we can indeed then arrange the finer details of the job such as start date etc.

Oh and 2 muesli bars is quite a treat, will they be yoghurt topped? 

Until we meet again.

Reply:

Dear Ollie,

The thought of us being facebook friends made my heart swell so significantly that it caused my left ribcage to collapse.  I am now afflicted with breasts that look like they're stuck in a slow-motion rendition of the 'worm'.

And then, Ollie, my sweet bird, and then I realised when things couldn't possibly be worse...

Ollie Owlman?


OLLIE OWLMAN DOESN'T HAVE FACEBOOK. I CANNOT CONNECT WITH HIM. THERE ARE NO RESULTS FOR MY QUERY. I AM PROMPTED TO CHECK MY SPELLING OR TRY ANOTHER TERM.


I do apologize for shouting and yes, I also apologize for publicizing our relationship. But you cannot deny that your blatant duplicity has brought you to the level that I previously inhabited alone.

Oh Ollie, I really thought we had something special. I will still give you a yoghurt-topped museli bar but i'm going to bulk buy it from Aldi and let Cathy give it a few licks before I hand it over.

Susan.

Gabe

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Gabe sent:

Hello Susan,
I would be very interested in becoming your personal owl to watch over you during the night while you sleep. I have done it before for a friend and would do it again. I am a huge Twilight fan, and my friend often referred to me as Edward Cullen. I will be happy to help.

Cheers,
Gabe

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Reply:

Hello Gabe,

Susan here. I too am a fan of twilight and if we could perhaps perform some minor twilight role play then that would be excellent. I could send you a script before you come over one night and then we could re-enact one of the bedroom scenes. Does this sound like something you could do? I wouldn't mind if you had a copy of the script but only if you wrote the lines on your hand or underneath your wings (the owl costume is very large and exact).