Ollie The Owl

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Ollie The Owl sent:

Hi Susan,

Hope you’re very well and lovely to meet you.

I’m writing to you in response to your post on Gumtree where you are advertising for a night time watcher position. Firstly, I’d like to provide you with my credentials in this area.

For years I too have been troubled by the seemingly simple act of sleep. While my friends and family would always be able to fall asleep without a moment’s notice, I would sit there for hours on end just watching them, tracking their every sleep-driven moment, following the pattern of their oft-shallow breath.

As I entered adulthood, my sleeping troubles continued, and as such so did my night time people watching. Given that I live alone, I had to become quite creative in my people watching methods. Most nights I would wander out in to the street and search for an open window here, or a hole in the roof there, all the while fulfilling my urges and utilising my skills to watch the people of Melbourne as they dream sweet dreams.

For example, last night I wandered down to Hawthorn and saw a lovely terrace-style home with its door slightly ajar, so I did what I did best and watched the peaceful family as they slept, ensuring not to breathe too heavily over them so as to not disturb their slumber.

As you can see, I’m the perfect candidate for this position. I’m not averse to dressing up, and pretending I’m an owl is something I’ve often fantasised about and an animal that I can certainly relate to, given our nocturnal traits and our intrinsic love of night time watching. In fact, I imagine I may have already watched you while you slept previously; Collingwood is one of my favourite suburbs to prowl.

If you’d be interested in considering my application I’d be happy to send through a photo of myself in the costume eating a muesli bar. I have one pre-prepared from a similar job application.

I have no allergies and I have never sneezed or been caught people watching in all my years, making me a joy to work with. I won’t even need to use the bathroom thanks to the adult diapers I very aptly invested in years ago.

I’d be honoured if you considered my application for this position. I hope to be watching you soon.

Yours in peaceful, uninterrupted sleep,

Ollie the Owl,

Reply:

Hi Ollie The Owl,

First off, what a coincidence that your name has 'owl' in it - is that french? I'm just over the moon that somebody has taken my advertisement seriously because I have been getting a lot of Debbie Downers.

Similarly, the fact that you have previous experience really boosts you ahead in terms of competition. You know, I have often felt a warm presence in my bedroom over the past few weeks. I had hoped that it was Edward Cullen from Twilight or perhaps Tony Abbot (such was the silence and lack of heartbeat). If it were in fact you then this really couldn't go any smoother.

I'm so glad you can do this for me, truly I am. There is just one thing, the owl costume is one that I have made myself and thus is perhaps, a little small (as I am quite small). I have constructed it out of two boxes of kleenex (2-ply, with the essence of aloe vera) and a large quantity of saliva. Now now, don't fret, the saliva isn't mine so you don't need to worry about catching my germs or anything like that. :o :)

I would much prefer if you wore my costume rather than your own but i'm very keen to see your snap shot; if you could send it through i'd be more than delighted to take you to the next stage.

Forever yours,

Susan.

Ollie sent:

Dear Sweet Susan,

My name is indeed French, however I am not from French descent, I changed my name by default as previously stated I do admire the nocturnal bird. My real Name is Oliver but prefer Ollie the Owl as it has that delightful ring to it.

I am more than serious about my work and as I’m sure I have this job in the bag, you can then see how qualified and professional I am. Some might advocate this is a long awaited career opportunity for myself. My mother Debbie Downer, (who I see has also applied) actually sent me this ad, clearly “of the night activities” run in the family, however she much prefers being a lady of the night if you get my drift. She is ageing now so I understand her thoughts of a career change.

And Susan, I have been that warm feeling you have been experiencing, I know I am quite good at my skill, and I would like to clarify its just a watching job no touching? My mother has always inspired me with her career choice so occasionally I like to do some brief touching or stroking.

I know you are really hoping to see me in your owl costume however I would feel more comfortable in my own, I have attached a photograph which I am sure you will be most pleased with. I am also willing to drop the pay rate to $30 if I do get to wear my own costume.

I hope I’m not being to challenging as I really do want this job,

I look forward to hearing from you

Sweet Dreams,

Ollie the Owl

Reply:

Dear Ollie,

I think you do have this job in the bag. I've never felt like somebody has understood me as you have. And to your mother Debbie, I hope that I have caused her no offense with my lack of reply I would simply prefer to focus my energies on younger birds.

I do, however, feel like I may have led you on. I do not require any services of the night and would much prefer that your albeit lovely hands stay a good 4 feet from me at all times.

I greatly enjoyed your photo, so thank you for that. I'm really hopeful to have you in for an interview as soon as possible.

Are you free at all this coming week?

I really like you, Ollie. I think that you'll find 2 muesli bars at the start of your shift.

Susan.

Ollie sent:

Hi Susan,

I am most thrilled to know I have gotten the job.

I do apologise if I upset you in anyway regarding the Hands on approach I referred to, I was just enquiring as to what the boundaries were. I'm glad to know it is 4 feet, I will ensure I stick to this safe distance.

I would prefer prior to meeting that you do some light facebook stalking please feel free to request me under Ollie Owlman.

I have also seen the media attention surrounding our email correspondence, I must say I am a little hurt you have made my emails public, I thought we had something special and am developing a little trust issue, however I do look quite handsome in my photo, lucky I preened my feathers for such an event.  

So let’s make a facebook date and we can indeed then arrange the finer details of the job such as start date etc.

Oh and 2 muesli bars is quite a treat, will they be yoghurt topped? 

Until we meet again.

Reply:

Dear Ollie,

The thought of us being facebook friends made my heart swell so significantly that it caused my left ribcage to collapse.  I am now afflicted with breasts that look like they're stuck in a slow-motion rendition of the 'worm'.

And then, Ollie, my sweet bird, and then I realised when things couldn't possibly be worse...

Ollie Owlman?


OLLIE OWLMAN DOESN'T HAVE FACEBOOK. I CANNOT CONNECT WITH HIM. THERE ARE NO RESULTS FOR MY QUERY. I AM PROMPTED TO CHECK MY SPELLING OR TRY ANOTHER TERM.


I do apologize for shouting and yes, I also apologize for publicizing our relationship. But you cannot deny that your blatant duplicity has brought you to the level that I previously inhabited alone.

Oh Ollie, I really thought we had something special. I will still give you a yoghurt-topped museli bar but i'm going to bulk buy it from Aldi and let Cathy give it a few licks before I hand it over.

Susan.