Edward

Edward sent:

Susan,

This is the third email I have sent you and my final attempt at contact. I have spent the past three days inconsolable by your lack of response. If I could produce the tears that my heart aches to produce then I would weep for you.

Susan, I would don two owl costumes if you desired so. To do this, I would first put on a very tight one that was perhaps bought from the kids section at k-mart. It would say ‘ages 6-8’ but for you Susan, for you I would squeeze it over my pale and slender thighs until I was waist deep in cotton-poly blend. Then I would put on a larger and more appropriate costume that calmed your every fear with its natural aura of invincibility. I would put it on even if it smelled a little like poo.

I would look like this:

And, as before, I ask for no payment for watching you is payment enough.

Edward Cullen.

Reply:

Edward,

Aren’t you still moping over k-stew?

Susan.

Edward sent:

We’re back together now because we were secretly married months ago – don’t you read Grazia?

Reply:

Edward,

I can’t say I do. Listen, come over tonight and i’ll give you a trial shift. I wouldn’t dare insult you by giving out my address for I’m sure you have it carved on your Adonis-like chest between each god-kissed peck.

I’ll see you at 11.

Susan.